TODAE BIGBANG VIPFiction: The 2012 TODAE story-The Deep Conversation

The 2012 TODAE story-The Deep Conversation PART 1

Author: The Official Miss ChekLeen

Pairing: TOP / DAESUNG of BIGBANG (TODAE)

The scene: Story involves the tragedy (scandal) that happened to DaeSung and JiYong. It occur that the incidents affect TOP's life.

Warnings: Lots of grammar mistakes, this is only a fiction and not real story, don't blame me in anything in this story, I don't own them even I want to, enjoy reading and keep supporting BIGBANG!

:DaeSung:

Our story has ended, that’s what I think right now. We have been separated since the accident tragedy happens. I thought we will become closer and keep supporting each other after what happened. But now I don’t know, it looks fake, everything around us looks fake. Yes, we can fool our fans, but truthfully we can’t fool ourselves, I can’t fool myself. I’m tired of everything around us. We used to be a very close brother, he is my brother. But now I don’t think I can relate to that anymore. He never be with me all of the time when I need him, yeah it seems I also did the same before. If I memorize our times before we can be like a real brother when we meet. We can understand each other well, so much well even people looks at us like we are really meant for each other. We are inseparable, I used to say that but now I don’t know do I mean it now? Everything about us is inseparable, so much looks alike, so much happiness until I find myself lost in my way. I have changed, and the worst is he also changed. We are both cold, not like before. I feel neglected when I see him, the feeling of abandoned. Creatively we makes everything looks okay when we are on stage, but I can’t fool my feelings. I still long for his cares but I don’t want to keep bonding to him. He is the one who always be alone, and I’ve been like that too. Every steps I takes nowadays feels such a burden, every little things I makes full of cautious. I want to step out from everything and I want to be somewhere where people do not even recognize me. My hearts feels burden, sometimes I feels my heart is about to explode and shatter everywhere. I cannot smile because I don’t think I can smile with my broken hearted. Yes I do smile, but it is all fake, something I do to please people, as always, You know a person like me always tends to makes people feels comfortable even though I, myself is crying inside. I do not have to show people about all the cruelness that happens in my emotions, no need for that. I can endure it all alone. But I need more times to conquer my emotions. I feel smaller, I feel unneeded and I feel neglected in life. Sometimes I feel like every smiles I put on my faces is a sin, I don’t deserves to smile because of everything I have done. Even someone I love is disappearing from my side and I can’t even reach him. Even though I really wants to stay by his side, my minds tells me not to, my heart split to two, stay by his side, and ignores him for our sake. No, I already said our story is done. I need to put the knot to it, can I? My all says I can’t do it, I wouldn’t do it and I don’t need to do it. What is this? I am more than a sinner and he does not want me anymore, I know that. I need my time to conquer my emotions that break apart and it seems like a stranger is living in me. I need time.

:T.O.P:

I read all the scandals that happened to my members in the internet again. When the incidents happened, SeungRi messaged me saying that I need to search for BIGBANG’s scandal on the internet. He said something happened to JiYongie and DaeDae. Both are my close brother, and I feel burdened a moment hearing that both of them are having problems. Reluctantly I searched for their story in the internet. I didn’t know what to do. Do I need to cry, or do I need to scream. I stunned when I read the news. BIGBANG GD taking marijuana. BIGBANG DaeSung kills a motorcyclist. There are lots of harsh comments, condemning them and saying that they have known it all along. This is stupid enough. Luckily their fans keep supporting them. ‘How are they now?’ I asked myself. I picked my phones, searched for their number. I called Dae’s number, but only mailbox handling my calls. I tried for three times, but no answers. I sighed at my bed, thinking about Dae’s situation. Maybe DaeDae wants to be alone, yeah that’s it.

That is what happened at those ominous days.  I take my photo albums, I look at our pictures, there’s not much of it. I sigh. I know I always been too harsh to Dae, I just want him to know that I want him only for me, as my little brother. As I wish he understand my feelings I always warns him to stay close to me every time, every day, every moment. I regret all of my selfishness to him, of having him all alone, of making him never apart with me but the truth is I always lose him. Now I know this time I’m losing him again maybe forever, I have this feeling. I cry at my bed. My superiority is coming low thinking that I never do anything to Dae. I have seen him crying in front of me at YG Family Concert, honestly I never saw him cry, in front of others or in front of me. I can’t control my tears either seeing the little brother who has falls into a dangerous pit. Nowadays, we are so busy and I don’t have times to meet with Dae and others except for works since I live on my own. Since I lives on my own, I know I can’t be beside Dae and Ji but I feel that I can’t do that because I know I can’t stay with them together. My feelings will be burdened, and they know how I love them sincerely. I never show it, wouldn’t want to and I don’t want they to know it. It will be harsh for them to know that I’ve been crying all night long because of them. My members once asked me, why wouldn’t I live together at dorm, and when we have break I can go back to my house. I don’t answer them. I don’t like to stay in a place where all my life is being controlled and even my private routine also in others aware. I don’t like that. It feels like you are living in a jail. I don’t answer them because of this. I am not like them who follow the rules, they lives like that for more than ten years. Well I am not a real trainee here, I did trained here but not in a way which they did. I was chosen because of my priority, and then YG trained me to be a rapper and learn some basic dance skill. I’m not talking about this now, not a main concern at this moment. Me and DaeDae, me and JiYongie, things looks conflicted, I am not sure anymore how to face them. They look different and I don’t know how to start a conversation with them. Well, maybe that is the other part of my concern why am I not staying together in the dorm. Truthfully I don’t want to lose my Dae, my Dae that I knew before, my bright cute smiling angel little brother, Kang DaeSung. I know if we stay together I won’t see that anymore and I don’t know how to converse with him. Ji, he sometimes looks the same, always soft to his members, but sometimes I can see something troubling him, something burns in his eyes, something that has never been told openly. It scared me a little because I can’t endure the other side of Ji’s personality. I just want to see them as my cute little brothers as always, that’s all, selfish isn’t it? I listen to BLUE’s song, our comeback song for this year. People come and go, that is the truth but I don’t know how to describe the meaning, me or them. This song is Ji’s reflection of his problem that is what people says and that is what we say. I love this song, it feels really warm and touching. He is a talented boy. I need to sleep more since we will continue our schedule tomorrow and never stop. It cost my energy and I keep feeling tired nowadays, maybe I am old.