TODAE BIGBANG VIPFiction: The 2012 TODAE story - The Deep Conversation

The 2012 TODAE story-The Deep Conversation PART 2

Author: The Official Miss ChekLeen

Pairing: TOP / DAESUNG of BIGBANG (TODAE)

The scene: Story involves the tragedy (scandal) that happened to DaeSung and JiYong. It occur that the incidents affect TOP's life.

Warnings: Lots of grammar mistakes, this is only a fiction and not real story, don't blame me in anything in this story, I don't own them even I want to, enjoy reading and keep supporting BIGBANG!

:Daesung:

According to my leader we are going to New York tomorrow for music video BLUE making. Well I wish I can escape the schedule and stay home alone, as I wish I could. We are going to New York tomorrow, I don’t feel like I’m enjoying this anymore, not like before where I love to hang around and travel, doing outdoors activities and all. YongBae hyung brought me some lunch a while ago, warns me to eat it. A mom’s cook, YongBae hyung’s mom cooked it. I missed my mom right now, but I don’t have time to see them.  I look at my face at the mirror, someone said I look different. I do not know how different I had been but people who used to always stay with me told me that. Yes, my hyung TOP said that. I realized after that tragic incidents happened I have changed a lot. I talked to YongBae hyung more than other members. Rather than he is being my roommate, maybe I feels much safer to talks to him and the feeling of hyung that he has makes my emotions feels protected. That’s what I thought. Describing of why I didn’t tells TOP hyung about my problems is because I don’t wants him to be troubled and I feels neglected when I see him. You know how sensitive he is, and I don’t think he can handle it well if I say all those problems and my emotions to him. Even when he see I’m crying he will cry too, that is what we always been. Now everything is different, why do I need to keep saying this?

A while ago I heard 2NE1 song, It Hurts. I don’t know what to say, it just keep buzzing in my head. I take my mp3 and listen to the BLUE song, I need to memorize my parts, yet to keep in control, I hope.

I was born and I met you

And I have loved you to death

My cold heart that has been dyed blue

Even with my eyes closed, I can’t feel you

The winter had passed, and the spring has come

We have withered

And our heart are bruised from longing

That is all I need to sing, yes that is my parts. I think this lyric really tells about me, yes I have withered and my heart are bruised from longing. I was born and I met you, and I have loved you to death. My cold heart that has been dyed blue, even with my eyes closed I can’t feel you. What else? I have been told in this song. Nowadays even I close my eyes, you are not there anymore. I can’t feel you yet never think of you. It sounds cold, but can I say that I can’t recognize our relationship anymore? Still, I keep thinking of you at this moment. Just let me blend in my works and never think of this anymore, it will be okay.

:T.O.P:

We have arrived at New York at 5.40 a.m. The weather is cold, suitable enough for our BLUE song. I memorize my moment with Dae at airport. We saw each other, he smile, I nods and we walk to the cart that brings our bags. We sit there, no talks, just feels awkward about ourselves. He looks at me, I turn my face at the other side. I can’t speak to him, I really don’t know how to. How do I need to comfort him? How do I need to speak calmly to him? I never do that before and it feels awkward to suddenly talks to him in a soft way. Dae looks at me, and then he looks down. His bang covers his face. I felt guilty all of sudden, but honestly I don’t know how to conquer the situation. We just do everything in our own way without trying to speak to each other, even there are a lot of things I want to ask him.

Even nowadays I also have a big personal problem of my own, the problem of my bride to be is now just a friend. Even though I face this kind of problem most of the time, but it feels so much burden this time but I just pretend everything is okay just like my song, pretend to be unconcerned. The things that concerns me a bit, at this moment is how are my brothers doing, Ji and Dae. Ji looks okay and still strong, but I know he feels so down. His eyes cannot lie to me and I can read everything about his feelings through his eyes. What about Dae? He is a brother who is so secretive, maybe more like my personality. Sometimes I feel like he did not have any problems but when I asked him before he said everyone in this world have problems including him. He is someone I cannot see everything through his eyes. But now what I can see in his small cute eyes is emptiness. It scared me a bit but I understand his situation, even I have changed because of some personal problem. Well a heart still controls our lifestyle, right? Even though I am an actor, in life I never act and never lie in my behaviour, maybe a bit before just to get close with my brothers. So nowadays I feel so much awkward handling things that are so different and complicated which I always avoid in my life. Everyone can see my awkwardness when I see Ji and Dae. Thinking about Ji, he told me to memorize my part because for music video tomorrow I need to pretend singing, or I can say rapping my part. I practise my rap in this cold night by myself. I sleep alone, YongBae sleep with Dae, Ji with the maknae. It always happens to be like that, we are getting used to it but nowadays I feel lonely, so lonely.

TODAE BIGBANG VIPFiction: The 2012 TODAE story-The Deep Conversation

The 2012 TODAE story-The Deep Conversation PART 1

Author: The Official Miss ChekLeen

Pairing: TOP / DAESUNG of BIGBANG (TODAE)

The scene: Story involves the tragedy (scandal) that happened to DaeSung and JiYong. It occur that the incidents affect TOP's life.

Warnings: Lots of grammar mistakes, this is only a fiction and not real story, don't blame me in anything in this story, I don't own them even I want to, enjoy reading and keep supporting BIGBANG!

:DaeSung:

Our story has ended, that’s what I think right now. We have been separated since the accident tragedy happens. I thought we will become closer and keep supporting each other after what happened. But now I don’t know, it looks fake, everything around us looks fake. Yes, we can fool our fans, but truthfully we can’t fool ourselves, I can’t fool myself. I’m tired of everything around us. We used to be a very close brother, he is my brother. But now I don’t think I can relate to that anymore. He never be with me all of the time when I need him, yeah it seems I also did the same before. If I memorize our times before we can be like a real brother when we meet. We can understand each other well, so much well even people looks at us like we are really meant for each other. We are inseparable, I used to say that but now I don’t know do I mean it now? Everything about us is inseparable, so much looks alike, so much happiness until I find myself lost in my way. I have changed, and the worst is he also changed. We are both cold, not like before. I feel neglected when I see him, the feeling of abandoned. Creatively we makes everything looks okay when we are on stage, but I can’t fool my feelings. I still long for his cares but I don’t want to keep bonding to him. He is the one who always be alone, and I’ve been like that too. Every steps I takes nowadays feels such a burden, every little things I makes full of cautious. I want to step out from everything and I want to be somewhere where people do not even recognize me. My hearts feels burden, sometimes I feels my heart is about to explode and shatter everywhere. I cannot smile because I don’t think I can smile with my broken hearted. Yes I do smile, but it is all fake, something I do to please people, as always, You know a person like me always tends to makes people feels comfortable even though I, myself is crying inside. I do not have to show people about all the cruelness that happens in my emotions, no need for that. I can endure it all alone. But I need more times to conquer my emotions. I feel smaller, I feel unneeded and I feel neglected in life. Sometimes I feel like every smiles I put on my faces is a sin, I don’t deserves to smile because of everything I have done. Even someone I love is disappearing from my side and I can’t even reach him. Even though I really wants to stay by his side, my minds tells me not to, my heart split to two, stay by his side, and ignores him for our sake. No, I already said our story is done. I need to put the knot to it, can I? My all says I can’t do it, I wouldn’t do it and I don’t need to do it. What is this? I am more than a sinner and he does not want me anymore, I know that. I need my time to conquer my emotions that break apart and it seems like a stranger is living in me. I need time.

:T.O.P:

I read all the scandals that happened to my members in the internet again. When the incidents happened, SeungRi messaged me saying that I need to search for BIGBANG’s scandal on the internet. He said something happened to JiYongie and DaeDae. Both are my close brother, and I feel burdened a moment hearing that both of them are having problems. Reluctantly I searched for their story in the internet. I didn’t know what to do. Do I need to cry, or do I need to scream. I stunned when I read the news. BIGBANG GD taking marijuana. BIGBANG DaeSung kills a motorcyclist. There are lots of harsh comments, condemning them and saying that they have known it all along. This is stupid enough. Luckily their fans keep supporting them. ‘How are they now?’ I asked myself. I picked my phones, searched for their number. I called Dae’s number, but only mailbox handling my calls. I tried for three times, but no answers. I sighed at my bed, thinking about Dae’s situation. Maybe DaeDae wants to be alone, yeah that’s it.

That is what happened at those ominous days.  I take my photo albums, I look at our pictures, there’s not much of it. I sigh. I know I always been too harsh to Dae, I just want him to know that I want him only for me, as my little brother. As I wish he understand my feelings I always warns him to stay close to me every time, every day, every moment. I regret all of my selfishness to him, of having him all alone, of making him never apart with me but the truth is I always lose him. Now I know this time I’m losing him again maybe forever, I have this feeling. I cry at my bed. My superiority is coming low thinking that I never do anything to Dae. I have seen him crying in front of me at YG Family Concert, honestly I never saw him cry, in front of others or in front of me. I can’t control my tears either seeing the little brother who has falls into a dangerous pit. Nowadays, we are so busy and I don’t have times to meet with Dae and others except for works since I live on my own. Since I lives on my own, I know I can’t be beside Dae and Ji but I feel that I can’t do that because I know I can’t stay with them together. My feelings will be burdened, and they know how I love them sincerely. I never show it, wouldn’t want to and I don’t want they to know it. It will be harsh for them to know that I’ve been crying all night long because of them. My members once asked me, why wouldn’t I live together at dorm, and when we have break I can go back to my house. I don’t answer them. I don’t like to stay in a place where all my life is being controlled and even my private routine also in others aware. I don’t like that. It feels like you are living in a jail. I don’t answer them because of this. I am not like them who follow the rules, they lives like that for more than ten years. Well I am not a real trainee here, I did trained here but not in a way which they did. I was chosen because of my priority, and then YG trained me to be a rapper and learn some basic dance skill. I’m not talking about this now, not a main concern at this moment. Me and DaeDae, me and JiYongie, things looks conflicted, I am not sure anymore how to face them. They look different and I don’t know how to start a conversation with them. Well, maybe that is the other part of my concern why am I not staying together in the dorm. Truthfully I don’t want to lose my Dae, my Dae that I knew before, my bright cute smiling angel little brother, Kang DaeSung. I know if we stay together I won’t see that anymore and I don’t know how to converse with him. Ji, he sometimes looks the same, always soft to his members, but sometimes I can see something troubling him, something burns in his eyes, something that has never been told openly. It scared me a little because I can’t endure the other side of Ji’s personality. I just want to see them as my cute little brothers as always, that’s all, selfish isn’t it? I listen to BLUE’s song, our comeback song for this year. People come and go, that is the truth but I don’t know how to describe the meaning, me or them. This song is Ji’s reflection of his problem that is what people says and that is what we say. I love this song, it feels really warm and touching. He is a talented boy. I need to sleep more since we will continue our schedule tomorrow and never stop. It cost my energy and I keep feeling tired nowadays, maybe I am old.